I Am a Stupid Lost Sheep
There's this little thing i do ALL the time, where i make up happy stories in my head. They're usually not about anything particular, or anyone in particular. They're just happy. I've done this for as long as i can remember. I do it because it reminds me that i can be happy in the midst of a fading and hurting world. I don't think there is anything wrong with it, until that becomes the source of all your happiness.
There is another thing i do everyday, i hide and tuck away all my hurt feelings, fears, doubts, and every last one of my tears. My reason for doing this is because i don't want to be a sad person. I don't want to make others sad. I like being happy. But when my pockets get full of hurt and doubts and start to leak with my tears, I get genuinely sad. My pockets are full, I'm running out of happy stories that provide my "happiness". So what am i left with? Nothing but dirty pockets.
What happened? I was so happy. Or so i thought. I was missing something. I would go to bed with an empty feeling. I would wake up feeling tired and worn out. I would have liked to blame it on someone or something. Maybe my sibling who kept on bothering me, maybe my stomach which continued to tie itself in knots, maybe my friend who moved far away, maybe even God who seemed to be failing me. No! There was no one to blame but me. This period of emptiness lasted for some time. Until the other night when i was reading my Bible. I read:
This story of mine is not a full happy ending, according to the world's standards. There still are days when that empty feeling comes rushing in. When the weight of my pockets are too heavy. When i have no more happy stories. But that is when my savior empties my pockets, fills up my empty heart with His love, and gives me HIS happy story, a story that will never die or grow old. The story of His love and care for me, especially when i am the stupid lost sheep.
There is another thing i do everyday, i hide and tuck away all my hurt feelings, fears, doubts, and every last one of my tears. My reason for doing this is because i don't want to be a sad person. I don't want to make others sad. I like being happy. But when my pockets get full of hurt and doubts and start to leak with my tears, I get genuinely sad. My pockets are full, I'm running out of happy stories that provide my "happiness". So what am i left with? Nothing but dirty pockets.
What happened? I was so happy. Or so i thought. I was missing something. I would go to bed with an empty feeling. I would wake up feeling tired and worn out. I would have liked to blame it on someone or something. Maybe my sibling who kept on bothering me, maybe my stomach which continued to tie itself in knots, maybe my friend who moved far away, maybe even God who seemed to be failing me. No! There was no one to blame but me. This period of emptiness lasted for some time. Until the other night when i was reading my Bible. I read:
"May Your hand be ready to help me, for i have chosen Your precepts... I wander like a lost sheep; seek Your servant, for i do not forget Your commands. ~Psalm 119:173, 176I am a lost stupid sheep. I have no direction. I need my savior to help me. He is the only one that can.
This story of mine is not a full happy ending, according to the world's standards. There still are days when that empty feeling comes rushing in. When the weight of my pockets are too heavy. When i have no more happy stories. But that is when my savior empties my pockets, fills up my empty heart with His love, and gives me HIS happy story, a story that will never die or grow old. The story of His love and care for me, especially when i am the stupid lost sheep.
You're not the only one who thinks like this or feels this way. I love this cause I have thought this before.
ReplyDeleteHoly Spirit we need Your guidance, we would be lost if it wasn't for the cross.
Continue writing MaryJane, this stuff is powerful even if you don't think so.