Hello! My name is MaryJane, and i'm addicted to bitterness.
Last year, right about this time. I was coming to realize that a close friends and i were drifting further and further apart. I was scared. I didn't know what was happening, but i knew something was happening. I didn't ask because i didn't think she realized what was going on. For four months i kept my mouth shut, and pretended that everything was great, but deep down i knew it wasn't alright. I later found out what happened and tried to address the situation but it was too late to mend. I lost her and my attempts to find closure were futile.
The next two months i was a wreck. I was confused and lonely. She was the person i went to for anything and everything. She never offered many words but she was always there, and ready to listen. To me, that meant the world. In return, i was there to console and counsel her. Despite our many problems, we had a great time when we were together. We did many things that are happy memories.
But those memories will not make the hurt go away. I tried that. I tried to just forget the bad and dwell on the positive, but eventually the hurt came swelling back up in greater amounts. There would be days that I'd be great, i would be extremely happy and then an hour later I'd be in a state of depression. It was not a healthy way to live. I let the hurt and bitterness grow inside me.
I heard someone talk about bitterness and they said that you need to simply "let it go". But there is no such thing as just "letting bitterness go". It doesn't disappear into thin air, it commands to be dealt with. John Green wrote "That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt." The same is for bitterness you can't bury it away in your guts or ignore it; it has to be felt and it has to be taken care of. You can either take care of it in the sense that you nurture and grow it, or you pull it out.
I'm still going through the process of forgiving and eventually forgetting. It doesn't happen over night. I have to "re"-forgive her often, but my flesh wants to hold on to the bitterness like it justifies something. The truth is that God forgave her. Therefore, i must also. But without God i am incapable of doing this. I need Him to take the bitterness and hurt from me. Because that is what He did for me, He took the hurt i caused Him and removed it, forgave and then chose to forget. What a wonderful savior i have!
The next two months i was a wreck. I was confused and lonely. She was the person i went to for anything and everything. She never offered many words but she was always there, and ready to listen. To me, that meant the world. In return, i was there to console and counsel her. Despite our many problems, we had a great time when we were together. We did many things that are happy memories.
But those memories will not make the hurt go away. I tried that. I tried to just forget the bad and dwell on the positive, but eventually the hurt came swelling back up in greater amounts. There would be days that I'd be great, i would be extremely happy and then an hour later I'd be in a state of depression. It was not a healthy way to live. I let the hurt and bitterness grow inside me.
I heard someone talk about bitterness and they said that you need to simply "let it go". But there is no such thing as just "letting bitterness go". It doesn't disappear into thin air, it commands to be dealt with. John Green wrote "That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt." The same is for bitterness you can't bury it away in your guts or ignore it; it has to be felt and it has to be taken care of. You can either take care of it in the sense that you nurture and grow it, or you pull it out.
I'm still going through the process of forgiving and eventually forgetting. It doesn't happen over night. I have to "re"-forgive her often, but my flesh wants to hold on to the bitterness like it justifies something. The truth is that God forgave her. Therefore, i must also. But without God i am incapable of doing this. I need Him to take the bitterness and hurt from me. Because that is what He did for me, He took the hurt i caused Him and removed it, forgave and then chose to forget. What a wonderful savior i have!
"This bitterness is tearing my insides apart.
It puts this wall between you and i.
I want to let go, but it has become my drug.
I'm swallowed in this addiction.
I'm stuck in a locked box, and no one has the key.
Soon the water will invade my lungs.
I need a savior. No, i need the savior."
Comments
Post a Comment