I'm A Doubting Thomas
You know what scares me? I am an extremely dependent creature. I'm dependent on food and water to keep me alive. I am dependent on oxygen. I am dependent on the Internet to communicate with my siblings who are half-way around the world. I'm dependent on my bedroom fan because I'm a wimp and live in the hot south. I'm dependent on Dow to pay my dad so that i can eat. I'm dependent on my mom to drive me places, because i can't legally drive yet. I am darn dependent. And i will never not be dependent. I will always be dependent on someone or something. That, scares me.
But why does that scare me? Is it because i don't want to trust so many things? Is it because I'm unsure that those things will last? Maybe, because i know they won't last? Yes, to all of the above. It scares me, because i have to trust and rely on things and people that are not certain. I am dependent on things that will fade and die. And the one thing that should be certain seems too good to be true. Of course, i am talking about my savior. Jesus Christ.
I'm sure you thought that this blog post was going in a different direction. That i was going to write about how comforting it is to know that i trust in a God who never changes, fades, or dies. Maybe, i should be writing like that. Maybe, that should be my resolution. I would like it to be. But it is not. No. If I'm going to write, i shall write honestly. Not in a normal way.
The truth is, that is not where i am. I constantly struggle, knowing that i doubt. That i doubt the one person who will never fail me. And it kills me, that i do doubt. I want to live in a constant state where i know that He is real, that He is alive, and that He loves me. But why would someone like that ever exist? How could someone like that, be real? And if they were real, why would they love something like me? The answer to those questions, i may not ever know, at least in this life.
So what of this? Why does it matter that i doubt God? Can i just live my life like most of this population believing that God does not exist? Why can't i? Because i know, in my heart, through all of the doubts and the fears, that He does exist. That there is no way that He cannot exist. I have no sound evidence that God exists. I would like some. But i do not have any. And if i needed evidence then it would not be faith. Oh, me of little faith.
But why does that scare me? Is it because i don't want to trust so many things? Is it because I'm unsure that those things will last? Maybe, because i know they won't last? Yes, to all of the above. It scares me, because i have to trust and rely on things and people that are not certain. I am dependent on things that will fade and die. And the one thing that should be certain seems too good to be true. Of course, i am talking about my savior. Jesus Christ.
I'm sure you thought that this blog post was going in a different direction. That i was going to write about how comforting it is to know that i trust in a God who never changes, fades, or dies. Maybe, i should be writing like that. Maybe, that should be my resolution. I would like it to be. But it is not. No. If I'm going to write, i shall write honestly. Not in a normal way.
The truth is, that is not where i am. I constantly struggle, knowing that i doubt. That i doubt the one person who will never fail me. And it kills me, that i do doubt. I want to live in a constant state where i know that He is real, that He is alive, and that He loves me. But why would someone like that ever exist? How could someone like that, be real? And if they were real, why would they love something like me? The answer to those questions, i may not ever know, at least in this life.
So what of this? Why does it matter that i doubt God? Can i just live my life like most of this population believing that God does not exist? Why can't i? Because i know, in my heart, through all of the doubts and the fears, that He does exist. That there is no way that He cannot exist. I have no sound evidence that God exists. I would like some. But i do not have any. And if i needed evidence then it would not be faith. Oh, me of little faith.
Well, dearie, sometimes our faith is stronger than at other times, but He is always faithful and His love to you never wavers. Love you! <3
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